what happened?

the lord took away mango; before i could even BE in a relationship,
before i could even tell him i like him, too.

the lord took away jackfruit; and that was a great loss of a listening ear.

the lord took away starfish; and now i have one less friend to hang out.
one less person to talk crap with, and to feel comforted.

now my lord, also took away yj. even as a company, he no longer exist.

I, hereby DECLARE that I no longer have any GUYS in my life no more.
not that i'm being oh-so-needy; but it's undeniable that one/two guys in your life is a neccessity.
don't you think? i mean. it's just weird being in a world full of girls?
i don't want you to get me wrong. but.. i hope you know what i mean. and understand where i'm coming from. i don't know. this feeling stems from a lot of things. especially if you know my life in LA. it's like. i'm a strong grown up girl, who knows exactly what i want and do the things i want to do, and i can be pretty dominant, you know? (;
and so, hanging out with my girlfriends is really fantastic! but,.. yes, there is a 'but'. BUT, most times, or actually maybe, all the time, i am the one driving, the one planning, the one filling the dominant role.
don't get me wrong.
I LOVE YOU!
i really do.
but if you understand where i'm coming from, for just a teeny weeny moment now,
you will understand my.. (not 'pain', nor is it 'sorrow'..) you will understand my.. reasons for feeling this way i do.

that is why i really wanted to have a boyfriend so badly.
and this is really why.
cus i just want to be taken care of for once.
i've been single and independent for TOO long! hahar.
i need a shoulder to lean on.
i need an arm to hold on.
i need a soul to rest on.
and the list goes on.

you know all these.. you do, right? haha (:

and so, i consecrated myself to the lord, for this very matter, ESPECIALLY. cus.. i just.. cannot.
like right now for example. its summer. and i'm usually busy with work/school/training, and now, it's a really boring mundane friday, and besides my morning with phoebe, (we went out to shop for a little bit), NOW it's SO.. empty!
cus sprinkles, the girl i hang out like 24/7, is out with her friend who came down from the bay this weekend and NEXT WEEKEND she'll be with her boyfriend all week.

now, do you feel for me?

so lonely )'=

haha. really dude. OH LORD JESUS! I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW.

so anws. most sisters are not here. and my other girlfriends are gone, too.. and yea.
even chelsia (a singapore sister-exchange student to UCLA) is gone with her friends to San Diego.
im happy for her though; but LOOK AT ME NOW, what has become of my life?
it used to be so colourful.
what happened?

God, is what happened.

yea. so my point of this entry is that..
God, is what happened.

and plus, i consecrated myself to the lord, again, cus i really admire this one brother, a lot.
but, i knew, and i felt really inadequate for him, cus he's just.. such a pattern, such a model.
i mean, this is as far as i know of him (:
oh wells.
and then, i told the lord "Lord, how about starfish? how can i tell him that i dont want to randomly eat dinner/drink boba with him anymore? how should i start rejecting all these 'lets-go-out-leh' and blah blah blah?"

then ta-da. the lord made it so much easier for me cus now he likes my friend.
it's like..

God, is what happened.
i just knew.

and then last person. yet, the MOST important person, cus we had quite a bit of history there. lol. YongJae.
"Lord, how can i EVER reject Yj's offer? HOW? my flesh is TOO weak to reject his
'eh, lets go shopping', or
'want to eat dinner?"

but again,
God, is what happened.
cus even yesterday, when he asked me for dinner, i ALRDY had plans with a sister.
then this afternoon when he called me twice and texted me cus he wanted to have lunch with me, I DID NOT BRING MY PHONE when i went out with phoebe in the morning, and SO i missed that opportunity, too.
do you see my point?

God, is what happened.
and so i missed his calls, and he always does not reply mine.
whatever.
i'm sad, of course.
lonely, no doubt.
and really.. really.. yarhh.

OH LORD JESUS I LOVE AND NEED YOU! PLEASE BE MY EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS.
I NEED YOU TO FILL MY SOUL!!!

so anws. the lord also made it easier for me, for yj.
cus yea. .

yeah.

i still love my Lord; and still trust that he has prepared for me, the best brother.
the best brother who when finally meets me,
he says," i'm sorry you have waited for EVER. i'm going to make it up to you with/for the rest of my life.."

and then he adds, " let's go roller coaster! "

(: